Shoes and Relationships

Not too long ago I was checking in my closet on some shoes that I had bought some time ago, but don’t frequently use. The shoes seemed as good as new. The leather, the soles, and the laces were all fine.

However, when I wore one of them, it started to fall apart. The glue that held the sole to the shoe had deteriorated over time, had lost its bonding power, and could no longer hold the parts of the shoe together. So here I sat with perfectly good shoes that couldn’t be used, because the one small but important thing that had held them together, had failed, rendering the entire items useless and without value.

I see this as a metaphor for our relationships and social groups as we strive to keep ourselves working as functional units over time. We sometimes lose the things that hold us together and therefore become dysfunctional.

So what is our relationship or social glue? What are the forces and motivations that bind us together? How did we ensure that they are strong enough and will last long enough?

If we can find good answers to these questions, we may be able to avoid loosing the benefits of our relationships and social groups over time.

One thing to consider is that perhaps our relationships rely too much on only one binding factor. Shoes that are stitched as well as glued, are likely to last much longer than those with only glue or stitches.

Then we must also consider the strength and durability of the kind of glues and threads we use to construct and hold our relationships together. Are those things that bring us together and keep us together strong and lasting enough?

Why do we have and keep the relationships we do? Do we even know why they exist or how they work? If we are going to build effective lasting relationships, it would be good to understand what makes them strong and lasting, as well as what stresses and conditions may wear them out or dilute their bonds.

Yes. Human relationships are much more complex than shoes. Also, we don’t always have the choice of how they are entered or have much control over how they are maintained.  But to the extent that we do have choice and control, it seems wise to invest in better relationship bonding and maintenance, especially for high-value relationships.

The reason why shoes must be well bonded to stay intact is because they are made of dissimilar materials and are constantly put under pressures and stresses that tend to tear materials apart. It’s the same for human relationships. We are all unique and different in many ways. We are all exposed to existential and operational stresses that often pull our interests and efforts in different directions. Yet we must work as units if we are to survive and thrive.

So what are the things that keep our relationships together? What are the shared interests, beliefs, values, priorities, investments, and benefits. If these elements are too weak, they cannot hold the relationship together. The question is, how do we keep these elements strong?

First, if we are engaging in relationships of choice, and not all relations are created or maintained by choice, we should ensure that there is adequate compatibility of the critical elements to begin with. If interests, beliefs, values, priorities, investments, and benefits, are not adequately aligned and have parity, there will be too much stress for some or all involved. This is where the cracks and frays come from.

If relationships have adequate compatibility and rewards or benefits, compared to alternatives, they will continue indefinitely. The challenge for all relationships, however, is that people and things change over time. New developments, conditions, and changing needs, wants, and priorities can upset previous balances. If adjustments can be made for rebalancing, the relationships can survive. But if the elements shift too far out of alignment or balance, they will eventually strain and break the bonds.

Unfortunately, sometimes this is inevitable. People grow up, they get old, they lose capacities and resources, they change interests and priorities, and they even die. Not all relationships can last a long time or yield the same rewards over time. Those who have unrealistic expectations will set themselves up for disappointment, even when they are getting the best that can be gotten from certain relationships.

It is always good to not take our relationships or their longevity for granted. Unfortunately, many of our social expectations from relationships are based on myths and dogma, not on reality and a good understanding of how relationships actually work. Hence, couples fall in love, get married, and expect to live happily ever after. Or childhood, school, or college friends imagine that they will be friends for life. For a whole slew of practical reasons, this rarely happens. It would be nice if relationships were more like magical shoes that never wore out or fell apart because parts and bonds deteriorate. But, alas, this is not the case.

In the real world therefore, we would do well to keep our romantic and relationship fantasies tightly tethered to the critical elements that determine their strength and longevity in reality. We can enjoy euphoric rewards of good relationships, and they don’t need to be perfect or last forever for this to happen. Just know that all things are dynamic and will change over time, demanding that we also adjust our engagements, investments, and our expectations.

Unfortunately, I could not salvage my shoes and had to discard them since they became useless clutter. Had I known of the inclination of their bonding glue to deteriorate, I probably would have chosen a different brand of shoes. Perhaps they needed to be stored or maintained in different conditions to avoid decay. But, the lesson was learned. Now I pay more attention to the construction of the shoes I buy and how best to keep them intact, and am now more guarded with my expectations of how long they will be of value.

Though this was not the case with in this example, sometimes our shoes stay in tact over time, but our feet change to need more space, comfort, or support than they once did.  There may be nothing wrong with the shoes, they just don’t fit us anymore and therefore lose their value. There is nothing more sad and painfully than trying to walk in  shoes that don’t fit anymore.

I hope that I have learned similar lessons about important relationships. They must be carefully selected and maintained. They must be monitored for harmful stress and deterioration. At the end of the day, they may have lost their bonds or may not fit the way they used to.

Eventually all we will need from both shoes and relationships is something safe, comfortable, and supportive. If we can find this, we should be happy indeed.